The Fear of Sharing the Truth

Yesterday I shared with the world of Facebook, one of my most vulnerable stories, an experience from my life that I was ashamed of, and hid for years.

When asked about the scar on my head, with most, โ€œ๐ผ โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘‘ ๐‘๐‘’๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘–๐‘› ๐‘Ž ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘๐‘–๐‘‘๐‘’๐‘›๐‘กโ€

With others, โ€œ๐ผ ๐‘ค๐‘Ž๐‘  ๐‘š๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘’๐‘‘โ€

And yet, Iโ€™ve always known the truth.

And with each made up reason for my scar, I felt more shame for it.

More shame about getting to a point where Iโ€™d rather take my own life, than live. And acting on it.

Sharing that post yesterday wasnโ€™t easy.

My intent for sharing was clearโ€ฆ.

๐— ๐˜† ๐˜€๐˜๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜† ๐—บ๐—ฎ๐˜† ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ณ๐—ถ๐˜ ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ, ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ, ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜„

๐—œโ€™๐—บ ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐˜† ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—พ๐˜‚๐—ถ๐˜ ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ธ๐—ฒ ๐—ถ๐˜ ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ป, ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฎ๐—น๐˜†๐˜€๐˜

And yet, knowing my intent was of good nature, I experienced a lot of fear leading up to sharing the post. The decision had been made, and at this point, I was negotiating with myself about the potential consequences of sharing something so personal, publicly.

What was interesting were the stories I told myself about sharing the post.

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐˜€

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ ๐—ฝ๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ณ๐—ณ ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ถ๐—น๐˜†

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ด๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ฐ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—บ

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ ๐—ฑ๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ฎ๐—ด๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐˜‚๐˜€๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜€

Are all of those possible? Definitely. Iโ€™m not going to pretend that they are not.

I quickly realized, my mind was only focused onโ€ฆ

โ€œ๐‘คโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘™๐‘‘ ๐‘”๐‘œ ๐‘ค๐‘Ÿ๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘”?โ€

And completely forgot to ask myself

โ€œ๐‘คโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘™๐‘‘ ๐‘”๐‘œ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก?โ€

๐—ฆ๐—ผ ๐—œ ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐—ธ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—บ๐˜†๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ณ ๐—ฎ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐˜„ ๐—พ๐˜‚๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€, ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ฝ ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐—บ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฑ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ฒ๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ฎ โ€œ๐—ป๐—ผโ€ ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐—ฎ โ€œ๐—ด๐—ผโ€

โ€œ๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘š๐‘ฆ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘› ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ ๐‘Ž๐‘“๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ ๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘”?โ€

โ€œ๐ท๐‘œ๐‘’๐‘  ๐‘š๐‘ฆ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ ๐‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘๐‘–๐‘ง๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘‘๐‘–๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘š๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ค๐‘’๐‘Ÿ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘œ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘Ÿ โ„Ž๐‘ข๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘› ๐‘๐‘’๐‘–๐‘›๐‘”?โ€

โ€œ๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘™๐‘‘ ๐‘”๐‘œ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘“ ๐ผ ๐‘ โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ?โ€

โ€œ๐ด๐‘š ๐ผ ๐‘ค๐‘–๐‘™๐‘™๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘“๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘’ ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘Ž๐‘™ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘ ๐‘˜๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐ผ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘๐‘’๐‘–๐‘ฃ๐‘’๐‘‘?โ€

After answering these questions, I was certain that sharing the story could lead to something better, than not at all.

Be it..

๐—›๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ฝ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ ๐—ฒ๐—น๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐—ฎ ๐˜๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ด๐—ต ๐˜€๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜

๐—ฆ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ ๐—ด๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ฑ ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ

๐—œ๐—บ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—บ๐˜† ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ณ ๐—ฏ๐˜† ๐˜€๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ ๐—ฝ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ณ๐—ฒ

To me, the potential consequences, didnโ€™t hold a lot of weight, after I really thought about it. Because I knew that I was not criticizing or disempowering someone else, which is important for me.

And truth be told, if I scared away some friends, business, or others in the process, thatโ€™s cool. So be it.

This experience yesterday had be thinking about how many of us have a tendency to live in extremesโ€ฆ

Either we share nothing of ourselves, play the appeasement game where we just try to get along, fit in, and not ruffle any feathers.

OR

We inflate and over empower ourselves to

โ€œ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’โ€

โ€œ๐ต๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘ข๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘โ€

โ€œ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘ฃ๐‘’ ๐‘–๐‘› ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ฃ๐‘Ž๐‘™๐‘ข๐‘’๐‘ โ€

โ€œ๐ฝ๐‘ข๐‘ ๐‘ก ๐‘๐‘’ ๐‘š๐‘’โ€

๐—•๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜€, ๐˜„๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐—ฐ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐˜‡๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—บ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ผ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€.

Both extremes can be damaging to our health, relationships, and career, even when the intent may be noble.

Thatโ€™s why, when we experience both extremes, both of which I have personally acted out, we hear people say things likeโ€ฆ

โ€œ๐‘Œ๐‘œ๐‘ข ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘›โ€™๐‘ก ๐‘—๐‘ข๐‘ ๐‘ก ๐‘”๐‘œ ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘ ๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘ฆ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘’๐‘ฃ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ฆ๐‘œ๐‘ข ๐‘ค๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘กโ€

โ€œ๐ฝ๐‘ข๐‘ ๐‘ก ๐‘๐‘’๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘š๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘› ๐‘”๐‘’๐‘ก ๐‘š๐‘’ ๐‘–๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘๐‘™๐‘’โ€

โ€œ๐ผโ€™๐‘š ๐‘๐‘’๐‘ก๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ÿ ๐‘œ๐‘“๐‘“ ๐‘–๐‘“ ๐ผ ๐‘—๐‘ข๐‘ ๐‘ก ๐‘˜๐‘’๐‘’๐‘ ๐‘š๐‘ฆ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘กโ„Ž ๐‘ โ„Ž๐‘ข๐‘กโ€

โ€œ๐ต๐‘’๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ฆ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘™๐‘“ ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘™๐‘“๐‘–๐‘ โ„Žโ€

And so on..

๐—”๐—บ ๐—œ ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ด๐—ด๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚ ๐—ด๐—ฒ๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐—™๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ธ, ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐—ด๐—ผ ๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜๐—ผ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜ ๐—ฐ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜ ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐˜€๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜๐˜€?

No.

๐—”๐—บ ๐—œ ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ด๐—ด๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ผ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ต๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—น๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐—น ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—พ๐˜‚๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐˜€?

No again.

What ๐—œ ๐—ฎ๐—บ ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ด๐—ด๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด is to consider ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜ for sharing or NOT sharing something.

๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘ โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘ก, ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ

๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘› ๐ผ ๐‘โ„Ž๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘˜๐‘’๐‘’๐‘ ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘ฆ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘™๐‘“?

๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘ž๐‘ข๐‘’๐‘›๐‘๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘”?

๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘ž๐‘ข๐‘’๐‘›๐‘๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘›๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘ โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘”?

๐‘Šโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐‘โ„Ž๐‘œ๐‘–๐‘๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘š๐‘ฆ ๐‘™๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’?

๐—ช๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐—น๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜†๐˜€ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—ฐ๐—ต๐—ผ๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ. Whether that choice is..

๐‘‡๐‘œ ๐‘ ๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ โ€œ๐‘ฆ๐‘’๐‘ โ€ ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ โ€œ๐‘›๐‘œโ€.

๐‘‡๐‘œ ๐‘ ๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘˜ ๐‘ข๐‘, ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ ๐‘ž๐‘ข๐‘–๐‘’๐‘ก.

๐‘‡๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘ฃ๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐‘›, ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘™๐‘™.

๐‘‡๐‘œ ๐‘˜๐‘’๐‘’๐‘ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘ฃ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘ค๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘‘, ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘ž๐‘ข๐‘–๐‘ก

๐—œ๐˜ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ฐ๐—ต๐—ผ๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ.

Pushing โ€œpostโ€ yesterday was not easy for me, but ๐—œ ๐—ฐ๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ฒ to do it after reflecting on my reasons for it.

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