In the spring of 2010, I had the ๐ผ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐๐ป๐ถ๐๐ to study abroad in New Zealand, for six months.
I researched the cost, credits counting towards graduation, and so on.
I was so excited, stoked, and energized.
This was an opportunity for my small town self to experience what was outside, far outside my current life experience.
๐๐๐โฆ๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐ด๐ผ.
My reasonโฆ ๐ ๐ฏ๐น๐ฎ๐บ๐ฒ๐ฑ my girlfriend.
When I had let her know about my plans to travel abroad, I was met with,
โ๐๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐จ๐ฐ, ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ตโ
In my mind I immediately said to myself, โ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ญ?โ
After going back and forth on the topic, and trying to come to a win:win, it was determinedโฆ
๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ฎ๐, ๐๐ฒ ๐๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ๐ด๐ฒ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ
๐๐ ๐ ๐น๐ฒ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ, ๐๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ปโ๐
And you know, I blamed her for awhile, because in my mind, it was her fault that I wouldnโt
๐๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐น๐ฑ
๐ ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ ๐ป๐ฒ๐ ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ผ๐ฝ๐น๐ฒ
๐๐๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ฒ ๐ท๐๐บ๐ฝ ๐ถ๐ป ๐ฎ ๐ด๐ผ๐ฟ๐ด๐ฒ
๐๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฒ๐น๐๐ฒโฆ
But you know what, me staying had nothing to do with her.
She was my ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฐ๐๐๐ฒ for not going.
At that point, I already knew, to a degree, the relationship would not last forever.
But, like many relationships, it was dragged out longer than necessary.
Ending in hurting both people.
For what?
๐๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ ๐ถ๐โ๐ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ฎ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ
๐๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ ๐ถ๐โ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐บ๐ถ๐น๐ถ๐ฎ๐ฟ
๐๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ ๐ถ๐โ๐ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฎ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ.
Of course, at the time, I was not aware of those things, I just chalked it up to having a girlfriend that didnโt understand.
What was a bit deeper than that, though, was my own fear about traveling to this new place.
๐ ๐ฝ๐น๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ป
๐ ๐ฝ๐น๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐๐ถ๐๐ต ๐๐๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ธ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ณ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐น๐
๐ ๐ฝ๐น๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ป๐๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ ๐ธ๐ป๐ผ๐
I was at war with myself. A battle between what I wanted, and what I feared.
๐๐ป๐ฑ, ๐บ๐ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ผ๐ป ๐ผ๐๐.
I didnโt go to New Zealand.
Iโve still not been to New Zealand.
And, the girlfriend that I blamed, we separated barely a year later.
It wasnโt until a few years after separating that I became aware that I was only blaming her, because I refused to take responsibility for what was really holding me back.
You know, my natural curiosity, and many conditioned fears, have played tug of war in my mind for years.
They still do to this day. Although, my curiosity often wins out, after I assess the fear and its validity, or lack thereof.
I find itโs worth reflecting on how I blamed others, events, and basically everything but myself, for not getting what I wanted.
No one was in my way.
๐ช๐ฒ๐น๐นโฆ ๐ป๐ผ ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐๐ ๐บ๐๐๐ฒ๐น๐ณ.
More often than not, the biggest hurdle in the way, is the story in our head that plays on repeat.
๐ข๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ข๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ข๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ข๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ข๐๐ฒ๐ฟโฆ
Until it becomes a belief, apart of our personality, and the norm.
Iโm certainly no stranger to blaming others for my challenges, and what I do or donโt have. Even though, I recognized at a young age, during a traumatic event, that the only person that had really caused the pain I suffered, the internal torment, was myself.
And I found that being ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ฌ% ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐ฝ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ถ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ for ourselves, our actions, and our lives, can simultaneouslyโฆ
๐๐ฒ ๐บ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด
๐๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐๐๐ฟ๐ผ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐น๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต๐ถ๐ฝ๐
๐ฆ๐๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ป๐ด๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ป ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ฒ๐น๐ณ
And at the end of the day,
๐ ๐บ๐๐ฐ๐ต ๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐ป๐ท๐ผ๐๐ฎ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ ๐น๐ถ๐ณ๐ฒ.
