Control. Fearโ€™s Best Friend.

Hiking through spain

As Tony Robbins said,

โ€œ๐‘ค๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐‘๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐‘ค๐‘–๐‘กโ„Ž โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘ฆ, ๐‘Ž ๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘๐‘’๐‘–๐‘ฃ๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ ๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐‘“ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘œ๐‘™, ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘ฆ๐‘’๐‘ก, ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘‘๐‘œ๐‘ฅ๐‘–๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘™๐‘™๐‘ฆ, ๐‘ค๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘’ ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘ฆ (๐‘ ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘ ๐‘’)โ€ฆ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘œ๐‘“ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘ ๐‘’, ๐‘ค๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘™๐‘ฆ ๐‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘’ ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘–๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘  ๐‘ค๐‘’ ๐‘™๐‘–๐‘˜๐‘’โ€.

When situations arise that we do not like, it often results in us trying to create even more certainty, more control, more โ€œsafetyโ€.

For me, that drive to know every move, always knowing the next 10 steps in advance, showed up in every area of my life.

In my career, when negotiating a contract, hiring an employee, or launching a new market. My ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ for certainty, to know every potential outcome, and to have contingencies for each, drove me freaking nuts. Not to mention, the impact it had on my entire team that reported up to me.

โ€œ๐‘ป๐’“๐’Š๐’„๐’Œ๐’๐’† ๐’…๐’๐’˜๐’ ๐’‡๐’†๐’‚๐’“โ€, I will call it. Most people reading this post know what Iโ€™m talking about. Whether on the receiving end of it from clients, managers, or execs, or being the person actually perpetuating it throughout the organization.

One time in particular stands out, when I launched a team here in Austin, TX, five years ago. Freshly promoted to a program management position, and my first key initiative was to prep and launch this new market.

๐—œ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ฝ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐—ธ, ๐˜€๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด, ๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜„๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด, ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—บ ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ท๐—ผ๐—ฏ

๐—œ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—ด๐—ฟ๐—ฎ๐—บ ๐—ฏ๐˜‚๐˜๐˜๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐˜‚๐—ฝ, ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐˜† ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—น๐—ถ๐˜๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐—บ๐˜† ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜† ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—”๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป.

This was the second market I had launched, and I felt better prepared and ready to handle any challenges this time around. ๐—œ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฝ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ด๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—น๐˜† ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐—ฒ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜†๐˜๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด. And on Monday morning, the new team and I met in the training room.

For anyone that has ever trained others, you know you often find yourself with an eye out for..

๐—ช๐—ต๐—ผ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐—น๐—น ๐˜€๐˜๐—ฎ๐˜†

๐—ช๐—ต๐—ผ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐—น๐—น ๐—น๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ

๐—ช๐—ต๐—ผ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐—น๐—น ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜

And so onโ€ฆ.

This time was no different. Very quickly, I was able to see that the manager I hired for the market was the right person for the job. He was eager to learn, open to feedback, and already willing to take ownership of his part of the business.

โ€œ๐‘พ๐’Š๐’๐’๐’†๐’“!โ€ ๐—œ ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐—น๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—บ๐˜†๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ณ.

However, the team member that was also in training with us, was quiet, partially disinterested, and by Wednesday morning, had quit.

The worst part of it, I didnโ€™t see it coming.

I didnโ€™t see the signs.

Why?

Because, I was so overly concerned with everything ๐—š๐—ข๐—œ๐—ก๐—š ๐—ฅ๐—œ๐—š๐—›๐—ง, and wrapped up in my own thoughts, that I missed what was right in front of me. A guy that was not a good fit for the position, and that, early on was contemplating leaving. And did!

I couldnโ€™t believe it. How did I not see it coming?

As you can imagine, my busy a** mind went more into overdrive (if that was even possible), as I still had to find a replacement, and inform my new manager about the โ€œhiccupโ€. Looking back at this point in my life and career, Iโ€™m still in awe sometimes at how spun up I was about the whole ordeal, and howโ€ฆ

When I told my manager, he was just like, โ€œ๐‘œ๐‘˜๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ, ๐‘คโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ค๐‘’ ๐‘‘๐‘œ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘ ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’๐‘๐‘ก?โ€

And the manager I had hired for Austin, โ€œ๐ผ ๐‘”๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘ , ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›โ€

โ€œ๐‘พ๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’‰๐’†๐’๐’?โ€

To me, it had felt like the end of the world, but to those around me, it was just an operational challenge, that we not only overcame, but exceeded the clientโ€™s expectations for the launch.

I appreciate moments like this, because it greatly helped me grasp that often the certainty we create is in the story we tell ourselves, in our minds. And often, by trying to control everything, we are more likely to destroy it, rather build or improve it.

Fortunately, even though I was in a tizzy, my management style was collaborative vs dictatorial. Had it not been, I would have gotten in the way of the manager I hired, and kept him doing what he did best. Building the team for his market.

I chuckle a little looking back, because the manager I hired, tactfully told me about the signs that the guy would likely leave. And, he was right. But, I was living in my mental cycle ofโ€ฆ

โ€œ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’” ๐’๐’‚๐’–๐’๐’„๐’‰ ๐’Ž๐’–๐’”๐’• ๐’๐’๐’• ๐’ƒ๐’† ๐’‰๐’‚๐’๐’•๐’†๐’…โ€

โ€œ๐‘ฐ ๐’‹๐’–๐’”๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’Š๐’” ๐’‘๐’“๐’๐’Ž๐’๐’•๐’Š๐’๐’, ๐‘ฐ ๐’„๐’‚๐’ ๐’๐’๐’• ๐’‡๐’‚๐’Š๐’โ€

โ€œ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’†๐’“๐’† ๐’Š๐’” ๐’๐’ ๐’“๐’๐’๐’Ž ๐’‡๐’๐’“ ๐’†๐’“๐’“๐’๐’“โ€

๐—”๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐˜€๐—ฒโ€ฆโ€๐‘ฐ๐’‡ ๐‘ฐ ๐’”๐’„๐’“๐’†๐’˜ ๐’–๐’‘, ๐’Š๐’• ๐’„๐’๐’–๐’๐’… ๐’„๐’๐’”๐’• ๐’Ž๐’† ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’„๐’‚๐’“๐’†๐’†๐’“โ€

Whatโ€™s funny, and a bit ironic is, while I thought that I was decreasing the chances of failure by thinking of everything, my own mental dialogue actually increased them. Primarily because I was unable to see what was going on right in front of me, and hear what other people were telling me.

Itโ€™s normal and human to want a level of certainty in life, as it helps keep us alive under the appropriate circumstances.

However, I would venture to say, many of us will grasp, claw, and do anything we can to feel we are in control of something that ๐—ช๐—˜ ๐—ฃ๐—˜๐—ฅ๐—–๐—˜๐—œ๐—ฉ๐—˜ could cause us pain, or to be unsafe. That includes our careers, our marriages, our friendships, or any other area of life.

The question then becomes, where is the line between a healthy level of certainty vs unhealthy?

In my opinion, we cross the line of a healthy dose to destructive, when the need and thoughts around It starts to deteriorate

๐—ข๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ฝ๐˜€ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐˜€๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐˜€๐—ฒ, ๐—ธ๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐˜€, ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐˜€, ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ถ๐—น๐˜†

๐—ข๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฒ๐—บ๐—ฝ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜†๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐˜€, ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฐ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜๐˜€, ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—บ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฎ๐—ด๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€

๐—ข๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—น๐˜๐—ต ๐˜„๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜‚๐—ฎ๐—น ๐—ฟ๐˜‚๐—บ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ผ๐—ฏ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป

At the end of the day, Itโ€™s okay not being able to control everything.

Often, the more we chase control, the less we have.

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