Letting Go Scares the Sh** Out of Us!

Woman hanging on edge of cliff

๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜บ ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ธ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ถ๐˜ด?

๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜บ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต?

In January 2012, I could have asked myself these questions.

Had I thought of them!

At the time, I had just moved to Atlanta, GA and started my new gig in B2B sales, for one of Americaโ€™s largest companies.

Being fresh out of college, it was an opportunity that โ€œ๐˜ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ๐˜ฏโ€

When I moved, I had been in an on and off relationship for about two years. And, this was not a relationship that many people that knew us would call, โ€œ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จโ€, or โ€œ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆโ€.

Nope.

Again, it was on and off again.

And me moving to the other side of the country for work added an entirely new level of strain to already a fractured relationship..

My hope was to move, start this new gig, and the relationship would fade away. And even though I thought that, I wasnโ€™t able to end it, even though I knew I didnโ€™t want to be with her any longer.

Looking back I see that, but at the time, It seemed โ€œ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ญโ€. Those were the thoughts going on in mind. Fortunately, this was not the same thoughts in hers. This move was the last straw. She wasโ€ฆ.

๐——๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ

๐—™๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฑ

๐—ข๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ถ๐˜.

And understandably so. She was ready for something more.

And even though I wanted something different, I wouldnโ€™t let go.

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—ท๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ถ๐˜.

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—ท๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜€๐—ฎ๐˜† ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—œ ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐˜† ๐—ธ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜„.

Our relationship was long over,, even if it wasnโ€™t official. We continued to drag it out. Neither of us happy.

She knew just as well as I did that what we once had was long gone.

And she ended it.

What came next I did not expect, nor had I ever experienced it before.

๐—œ ๐—›๐—”๐—— ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ฏ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ธ.

In a moment I went from indifferent, detached, and avoidantโ€ฆ

To.. We must fix this!

I remember quite well it was like a flip of a light switch in my head.

Prior to breaking up, the switch was off.

I was doing my own thing. Only concerned for my future, not really thinking about an us..

Toโ€ฆ

โ€œ๐˜ธ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต?โ€

Iโ€™m pretty sure I asked her this at least 10 times.

I was determined to fix us!

๐—œ ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ด๐—ต๐˜ ๐—ณ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€.

๐—œ ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜ ๐—ด๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ฑ ๐—บ๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜๐˜€

๐—œ ๐—ธ๐—ฒ๐—ฝ๐˜ ๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ด๐—ถ๐˜‡๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด

Truthfully, she had many good reasons to end our relationship, and Iโ€™m grateful she was willing to make that call, since I couldnโ€™t seem to do it myself.

At the time, all of my gestures, and attempts seemed to be solely about her.

But you know what, it was never about her.

This was just as much about me, as it was prior to us breaking up. Whether It was my strive for the corporate climb, a desire to live it up in this new city, or trying โ€œfixโ€ something that had broken long agoโ€ฆ

It was still about me.

๐—œ๐˜ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—น๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ

๐—œ๐˜ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ ๐—ฒ๐—น๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐˜ƒ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ โ€œ๐˜„๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ถ๐˜โ€

๐—œ๐˜ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—น๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ณ๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ, ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ด๐—ต ๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ป๐—ฎ๐—น ๐˜ƒ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป

In short, I needed something outside of myself to prove my worth.

Now, for people reading this, a couple of thingsโ€ฆ

#1 ๐˜ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜โ€™๐˜ฎ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด

#2 ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ฏ๐˜ข๐˜ญ ๐˜ท๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ถ๐˜ฑ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜บ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ๐˜ด (๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜น, ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ, ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜บ)

During this time, in the eye of the storm, as I will call it, I was consumed by this need to โ€œ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜น ๐˜ช๐˜ตโ€. This need to have this relationship that was, again, long since over.

๐—•๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—œ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—น๐—ฒ๐˜ ๐—ด๐—ผ.

๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฏ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ฎ ๐—ณ๐˜‚๐˜๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐˜„๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—ถ๐˜

๐—œ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐˜๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—น ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป

In short, I was a hot mess.

And as I think back, Itโ€™s a bit eye opening looking at the end of this relationship. To see that the obsession to โ€œ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜น ๐˜ช๐˜ตโ€ and to keep holding on, was never even about the person I was chasing.

It was completely about, my need for something outside of myself to prove my worth, and I struggled to let go of what I thought proved that worth.

Looking back, though, I smile for a few reasonsโ€ฆ

#1 ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ข ๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ด, ๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ข ๐˜จ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฌ ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ด, ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ด, ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ง๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฑ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ง๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ช๐˜ต.

#2 ๐˜”๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ฎ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ญ๐˜บ, ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ข ๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ง๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ณ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ, ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ณ ๐˜ท๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ณ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง, ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ฏ๐˜ข๐˜ญ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฃ๐˜ซ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ด ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜บ, ๐˜ข ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ, ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜บ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ.

๐—œ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐˜€๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐—ธ๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐˜†๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜€, ๐—ฏ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐—ฎ๐—ด๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ป, ๐—œโ€™๐—บ ๐—ด๐—ฟ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ณ๐˜‚๐—น ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐˜€๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—น๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—บ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—ผ๐—ป, ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ถ๐˜ ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—น๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ฏ๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ด๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ต๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฑ๐—น๐—ฒ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ณ๐—ฒ, ๐—บ๐˜†๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ณ.

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