I’ve been feeding two wolves lately.
(This will make sense in a moment)
When I’m honest, I’ve had a challenging time articulating all that has changed for me lately. My aim of writing has been to share my personal experiences in a way that may resonate and support someone. Over the years, I’ve done my best to be vulnerable as I share, allowing the idea of risk to go out the window.
But, when I’m honest, lately I’ve hidden from this. I’ve hidden from ‘making a mess’, publicly. Much of the changes I’m experiencing right now on my own personal path, I’ve not yet found the language for. I have been out of integrity with my commitment to vulnerability and creating.
Much of my life at this point is driven by a spark and a voice that tells me about the life I am to create. This voice and feeling has proven to guide me towards stepping into who I am meant to be. I’m clear that we can create ourselves to become who we want to be. It’s connection with that spark that opens the conversation.
The conversation that begs the question….
Who am I to be as I walk through this life?
And in this being…
What is the way with which I navigate a world of relationships in different forms?
My relationship with money. My parents. My nation. My business. And most importantly, my mind and body. We take the conversation a step deeper when we ask, As this person, what do I want to experience in my life?
This is not only about the events and trappings.
It’s about connecting to the feelings that we often chase through external seeking and collecting. It’s experiencing a deep appreciation for life and oneself. It’s feeling the warmth and ease of joy. It’s experiencing glimpses of our true potential that bring tears to our eyes.
It’s experiencing how incredible your spouse, neighbor, teacher is, with a big, goofy smile on your face. What is often in the way of our being able to be in ahh with how amazing we are, and each of us is, we’ve become disconnected.
Our bodies, often riddled with tension and pain.
Our minds, on an extended cycle of distraction and poor focus.
Our spirit dampened as we go longer and longer without listening to that spark and voice that says….
Something isn’t right here.
Slow down. Listen.
You’ve fallen off track.
It’s like the story of the two wolves.
One wolf is the wolf of fear, shame, regret, procrastination, doubt, and limitation. Along with these feelings / habits, come all the mental stories that strengthen them.
The stories of…. I’m too old. I have too little. I’m too scared. I don’t know how. My family will disown me. My clients will leave me. I’ll be ruined. All stories that feed this wolf, and examples of living life from this wolf’s presence. I spent a lot of years feeding this wolf.
These past few weeks, in not sharing my writing, as is congruent for me, I feed this wolf.
Given some of the horrific experiences I had had, It has often felt safer to keep feeding this wolf. It felt safer to live always as if the other shoe was about to drop at any moment. Yet, while it felt safer. It wasn’t in reality.
Feeding this wolf drove my addictions to work, to caffeine, to alcohol. To my phone. To romance. To playing it safe. To being liked. To keeping the peace. I deployed these strategies to distract me from the truth.
The truth being that there was a voice inside of me that said,
Matt, you don’t need this.
Matt, this isn’t who you are.
Matt, when will you stop hiding and face me? You know you are distracting yourself.
This is the other wolf, that I ignored for much of my life.
This is the wolf that is connected with my true potential. This wolf understands the importance of trust, balance, joy, patience, and understanding.
It’s this wolf, that when listened to, offers guidance on when to slow down, or move full speed ahead.
It’s this wolf that offers me endless kindness and patience, while holding me to the truth of my beliefs and behaviors.
It’s this wolf that is fiercely unique and individual, while devoted to the well being of humanity.
It was this wolf that told me…
You will not die today — In 2004 when I attempted suicide. Listening to this wolf guided me through a miraculous recovery and put my life on a trajectory that can be seen today.
It’s time to leave this relationship. — In 2016, when I was engaged. I didn’t listen this time. The relationship fell apart shortly after ignoring the truth.
And when that happened, I heard….
Now, it’s time to face yourself. It’s time to grow up — At the start of 2017. I listened to the call and this message took me through intense therapy, and opened up the doors of curiosity and possibility again.
I could enter countless more times I listened to this wolf. It’s been an ongoing practice for me to discern the difference between the two. When I’ve listened, this wolf has guided me deeper into a life of living my potential.
Call this wolf your heart.
Your deeper mind.
It doesn’t matter.
What does matter? The one you feed will reflect itself in each area of your life.
As you look out upon your life — which wolf will you feed?